| ON the fifth day of the first moon in the Year of the Dog 3,339 (AD 640) a talented young man with a slight flaw in his character was sitting on top of an enormous mound of treasure, above which hung a copy of the great golden tiger mask of the Duke of Ch'in. Some very unpleasant corpses were standing rigidly around a bloodstained altar, and the tumbled tombstones of an abandoned cemetery stretched out in all directions. I was examining a tiny silver flute. | 1 |
| Like the other trinkets it was no more than an inch and a half long. Like the others it did not appear to be anything special. I lifted it to my lips and blew into the miniature mouthpiece, and I heard the slow sad beat of a drum. Then a girl with a sweet young voice began to talk, breaking into song at the dramatic moments. She chanted and sang the famous story of the great courtesan who grew old, and was forced to marry a businessman. I covered one of the holes in the flute. The sad song stopped, the drum picked up tempo, and the girl's voice lifted to the sky as she joyously sang the hilarious story of the Stone Monkey who challenged the gods. Another hole produced the song of Pi Kan, who had been put to death because a half-witted emperor wanted to find out if it was true that the heart of a wise man is pierced with seven openings. I covered all the holes and the music stopped. Then I sat there staring blankly at the thing. | 2 |
| A crystal ball that showed a comical chase through a miniature cottage? A bronze bell that told marvelous fairy tales? A silver flute that sang the Flower Drum Songs? I jumped to my feet and shook my fist at nothing in particular. | 3 |
| "Chang Heng," I yelled, "may you be reborn as a beautiful mirror in the hands of an ugly owner!" | 4 |
| Now that was stupid. Miser Shen had been very ugly outside and very beautiful inside, which brought me back to the matter at hand. | 5 |
| Chang Heng and his lunatic quest could go hang. What mattered was avenging Miser Shen. He had given his life for me, and while I had taken care of the little monk in black and the monster in crimson I had not taken care of their master, and their master had to be the Duke of Ch'in. So long as he lived Miser Shen would be unavenged, and while he might laugh at sword thrusts there had to be something that would do the job. I needed a poison so deadly that one drop would fell an elephant, which meant that I needed to find a deranged alchemist. | 6 |
| "Duke," I snarled to the tiger mask, "you don't know what you are up against. I may be a mongrel, but Miser Shen said that a third of me is pure shar-pei, the greatest of all fighting dogs, and never in history has such a dog been known to give up!" | 7 |
| I put the flute inside a fake shell in my smuggler's belt, along with the ball and the bell, and filled every pocket with pearls and jade. Then I set forth to find an alchemist who had lost his mind. | 8 |
| China is overstocked with these unfortunate creatures. Taoism and alchemy do not mix very well, and when you add personal bereavement the result is a deranged scientist whose quest for eternal life winds up massacring everything in sight. I struck gold in the first town I reached. | 9 |
| "A thousand pardons, Adoptive Aunt, but this humble one seeks an eminent scientist who may be living nearby. He is a devout Taoist, rather wild of eye and somewhat seedy in appearance, and I am willing to bet that his house is placed halfway between a slaughterhouse and a cemetery." | 10 |
| "You seek Doctor Death!" the old lady screeched. She gazed in terror at a ramshackle house teetering on top of a hill, and made signs to ward off evil spirits. "None but the criminally insane dare climb the path to his House of Horrors, and few ever return!" | 11 |
| Almost certainly a gross slander. Besides, it was a perfect day to visit a House of Horrors, and as I climbed the crooked path black clouds muttered dark spells over the mountains, sulphurous lightning streaked the sky, the trees in the cemetery moaned in the wind like mourners, a dog howled horribly behind the slaughterhouse, and the old house upon the hill creaked and groaned most satisfactorily as a cold gray rain began to fall. The moment I walked through the door I sensed that Doctor Death was going to exceed my fondest expectations. Cauldrons burped and kettles bubbled and vials emitted greenish-yellow vapors, and a little old man with a bloodstained beard was trying to install a heart into a cadaver. A man's body but a pig's heart, I noted with interest. | 12 |
| Corpses and carcasses stolen from the cemetery and the slaughterhouse littered the tables and the floor, but I might explain that the scene was not really frightening. This was not a chamber of horrors, it was simply a laboratory, and the purpose for it appeared to be the coffin at the far end of the room. The coffin was set up as a shrine, with candles and incense and offerings, and beside it was a prayer mat that was faded and worn with use. The little old man arranged the pig's heart to his satisfaction inside the chest of the cadaver and sprinkled some yellow powder on it. | 13 |
| "Beat," he said. "Beat beat beat." He sprinkled some purple powder on it. "Beat," he said. "Ten thousand curses, why won't you beat?" He turned toward the coffin and yelled, "Don't worry, my love, I'll have you out of there in no time!" Then he noticed me. "Who you?" said Doctor Death. | 14 |
| "My surname is Li and my personal name is Kao and there is a slight flaw in my character," I said with a polite bow. | 15 |
| "My surname is Wu and my personal name is Chan and I am rapidly losing patience with a corpse that absolutely refuses to be resurrected," sighed Doctor Death. "And if I cannot resurrect this stubborn corpse, how can I resurrect my loved one?" | 16 |
| I nodded toward the coffin. "Your wife?" | 17 |
| Like most deranged Chinese alchemists his face was as gentle as a snowflake and as innocent as a banana. He brushed unself-conscious tears from his eyes and said softly: | 18 |
| "She was not pretty, you know, but she was the most wonderful wife in the world. Her name was Chiang-chao. We were very poor, but she could make the most delicious meals from a handful of rice and the herbs that she picked in the woods. She sewed dresses for wealthy ladies to help pay for my studies, and she sang beautiful songs to cheer me when I was depressed. We were very happy together, and I know that we will be happy together again. It is only a matter of finding the right formula, although it has been very discouraging so far. I simply cannot understand it. I have used all the proper prayers and incantations. I worked so hard to make the powders from ten pounds of peach fuzz--" | 19 |
| "Ten pounds of tortoise hairs," I said sympathetically. | 20 |
| "Ten pounds of plum skins--" | 21 |
| "Ten pounds of rabbit horns--" | 22 |
| "Ten pounds of the membranes of living chickens--" | 23 |
| "One spoonful of mercury--" | 24 |
| "Two spoonfuls of arsenic--" | 25 |
| "For the toxin generates the antitoxin--" | 26 |
| "In death there is life as in life there is death." | 27 |
| "A colleague!" yelled Doctor Death, as he raced up and wrapped me in a bloody embrace. "Tell me, dear friend, have you heard of some better formula? The classic method is bound to work sooner or later, of course, but it has been such a long time, and I am sure that my dear wife is growing weary of her coffin." | 28 |
| "Alas, I have never studied the intricacies of resurrection," I said. "My specialty has been the Elixir of Life, and I have come to you because I foolishly left home without a proper supply." | 29 |
| "But how fortunate! I have just completed brewing a fresh batch." Doctor Death cried happily. He rummaged in a cabinet and pulled out a greasy vial filled with a greenish-black liquid. "One spoonful after each meal and two at bedtime and you are certain to live forever...although I need scarcely point out to a colleague that occasionally there are unfortunate side effects, and it is best to try it first on a rat." | 30 |
| "Or a cat," I said. | 31 |
| "A crow," said Doctor Death. | 32 |
| "Or a cow." I said. | 33 |
| "And if you should happen to own a large ox--" | 34 |
| "Actually I had planned to try it first on an elephant," I said. | 35 |
| "A very wise decision," Doctor Death said approvingly. | 36 |
| I poured some gold coins on a table, between somebody's lymph glands and lungs. | 37 |
| "A small donation to help in your work," I said. "May I suggest that you hire some professional grave robbers? Digging up corpses must be very hard work, and I would think that the fresher the better." | 38 |
| "But how kind of you! Success is certainly just around the corner now that I can afford a better grade of corpses...oh dear!" | 39 |
| Doctor Death wrung his hands and trotted back to the cadaver on the table. "I did not mean to insult you," he said contritely. "I am sure that you will do splendidly. Perhaps you will come to life if you realize how important it is." | 40 |
| He had forgotten me completely. As I tiptoed to the door I heard the gentle voice of Doctor Death reciting his well-worn litany to the corpse. | 41 |
| "She was not pretty, you know, but she was the most wonderful wife in the world. Her name was Chiang-chao. We were very poor, but she could make the most delicious meals from a handful of rice and the herbs that she picked in the woods. She sewed dresses for wealthy ladies to help pay for my studies, and she sang beautiful songs to cheer me when I was depressed. We were very happy together, and I know that we will be happy together again. Beat," said Doctor Death. "Beat beat beat." | 42 |
| I walked back down the path in the rain. I had taken it as a very good omen that there was an elephant in a pen right at the base of the hill. The poor old beast was used to haul logs to the sawmill, and its master was not kind. There were cruel goad marks, and open wounds on the elephant's shoulders where the harness rubbed. | 43 |
| I climbed the fence and put one drop - no more - of the Elixir of Life on the tip of my dagger. The weary beast looked at me sadly. | 44 |
| "Do you consent?" I whispered. | 45 |
| The elephant's eyes clearly said: "For the love of Buddha, release me from this life of misery and return me to the Great Wheel of Transmigrations!" | 46 |
| "So be it," I said, and I gently pressed the tip of the dagger against an open wound. | 47 |
| The elephant looked surprised for an instant. And then - I swear by all the gods! - it hiccuped, hopped high in the air, landed with a mighty crash, turned blue, and peacefully expired. | 48 |
| "Genius!" I cried, and as I raised reverent eyes to the House of Horrors upon the hill I heard the cracked and crazy voice of Doctor Death singing sadly through the rain"
"In front of our window | 49 |
| are the banana trees we planted, | 50 |
| their green shadows fill the yard. | 51 |
| Their green shadows fill the yard, | 52 |
| their leaves unfold and fold as if | 53 |
| they wish to bare their feelings.
"Sadly reclining on my pillow | 54 |
| deep in the night I listen to the rain, | 55 |
| dripping on the leaves. | 56 |
| Dripping on the leaves - | 57 |
| that she can't hear that sound again | 58 |
| is breaking my heart." | 59 |
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