| I caught up with the Duke of Ch'in in Tsingtao. He was staying at the palace of an enormously wealthy woman whose oldest son-in-law served as the duke's provincial governor. Security was so tight that a flea couldn't have slipped in, but the governor was a fanatical amateur of the lute and it was no trick at all for the greatest lutinist in the whole world to be invited to the palace to perform at a banquet. The fact that I had never learned how to play the lute did not bother me for a moment. It is not ability that impresses amateurs. My old teacher, the consummate crook from Serendip, never tired of telling met "Li Kao, a fool will study something for twenty years in order to become reasonably competent, but a wise man will study for twenty minutes and become an expert. It is not ability that counts, it is authority." |
1 |
| My entrance was rather impressive. |
2 |
| Ten flunkies in royal attire marched through the door, raised their trumpets, and blew a mighty blast. Then a parade of priests marched through the door, chanting hymns in praise of the Master whose talent had been personally bestowed by Buddha. Next were two apprentices (fabulously wealthy noblemen who had abandoned all worldly goods in order to sit at the feet of the Master) who marched through the door carrying a silver chair. Two more apprentices (princes of the royal blood who had abandoned thrones to sit at the feet of the Master) marched through the door carrying a simple unadorned lute upon a silver tray. Then a troupe of acolytes pranced prettily through the door, scattering rose petals hither and yon. Not until the suspense had become nearly unbearable did I shuffle slowly through the door, leaning upon a crooked staff of unpolished oak. |
3 |
| I appeared to be at least ten thousand years old and semi-divine. My face was as wrinkled as a relief map of Korea. My enormous snow-white beard brushed the tips of my simple straw sandals, and my white robe was crudely woven from coarse peasant cloth. The apprentices gently lowered me into the silver chair, and for nearly three minutes I sat motionlessly in the awed silence of the room. Then I slowly raised a wrinkled finger, and my ancient voice wheezed like the drone of a pedagogical bee: |
4 |
| "The Wen-Wu lute was invented by Fu-hsi, who saw a meteor streak through the sky and land in a tung tree. Shortly thereafter a phoenix streaked through the sky and landed beside the meteor. When the meteor fizzled out with a melodious hiss and the phoenix flew away with a contrapuntal cry Fu-hsi realized that he had been granted a sign from Heaven. He felled the tung tree, which was precisely thirty-three feet in length, and cut it into three pieces precisely eleven feet long. He tapped the top piece and found that the pitch was too high. He tapped the bottom piece and found that the pitch was too low. He tapped the middle piece and round that the pitch was just right. This piece he soaked in running water for precisely seventy-three days, one fifth of a year, and then he summoned Liu Tzu-ch'i, the greatest artisan in China, and commissioned him to carve the piece into a musical instrument." |
5 |
| One of the banqueters coughed. I raised my awesome white eyebrows and frowned. Flunkies, priests, apprentices, and acolytes descended upon the wretch and heaved him out the door. After a full minute of glowering silence I condescended to continue: |
6 |
| "The finished instrument was precisely thirty-six inches in length, corresponding to the three hundred and sixty degrees of a circle. It was precisely eight inches wide at the front end and four inches wide at the rear end, corresponding to the eight festivals and the four seasons. It had a uniform height of precisely two inches, corresponding to the generating forces of the universe, yang and yin. Originally there were twelve stops, which corresponded to the twelve months of the year, but Fu-hsi eventually added a thirteenth stop to account for leap year. Originally there were five strings, which corresponded to the five elements: metal, wood, water, earth, and fire; the five temperaments: quietude, nervousness, strength, hardness, and wisdom; and the five pitches: kung, shang, chueh, cheng, and yu." |
7 |
| One of the banqueters sneezed. I raised my awesome white eyebrows and frowned. Flunkies, priests, apprentices, and acolytes descended upon the wretch and heaved him out the door. After another full minute of glowering silence I condescended to continue. |
8 |
| "When King Wen of Chou was imprisoned at Chiangli, his son, Prince Pai-yi-k'ao, was so grieved that he added a sixth string to express his sorrow. This is called the Wen string, and it produces a low melancholy sound. When King Wu launched a military campaign against King Cheo he was so pleased at the prospect of going to war that he added a seventh string to express his joy. This is called the Wu string, and it produces a high heroic sound. Thus the lute of seven strings is called the Wen-Wu lute. The proper tone of the Wen-Wu lute possesses eight qualities: clarity, wonder, remoteness, eloquence, sadness, manliness, softness, and extensibility, but the tone will suffer damage under any of six climactic conditions: bitter cold, extreme heat, strong wind, heavy storm, noisy thunder, and swirling snow. In the hands of an accomplished performer the Wen-Wu lute can tame the most ferocious beast. In the hands of a performer of genius it can soothe the most anguished ghost. In the hands of a performer such as myself it can raise the dead." |
9 |
| The apprentices sank to their knees and handed me the lute. I was not quite sure which end was which, but I managed to pluck a string at random: plink! I plucked a second string at random: plonk! I returned the lute to the apprentices and impaled the cowering assembly with glittering eyes. |
10 |
| "It is forbidden to play the Wen-Wu lute under any of seven circumstances: mourning the dead, simultaneous playing with orchestra, preoccupation with worldly matters, uncleanness in body, untidiness in costume, failure to burn incense in advance, and lack of an appreciative audience. As it happens I am currently mourning my wife, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, concubines, servants, and favorite parakeet, all of who perished in a typhoon. The snoring of those louts in the corner constitutes an orchestra. That moron with the blue robe and the leer on his face is more interested in dancing girls than in art. Half of you have not washed in a month. The other half have spilled soup on your robes. I fail to perceive the slightest trace of incense, and to imply that this collection of cretins could constitute an appreciative audience would be to provoke the gods into howls of hysterical laughter. However--" |
11 |
| I tottered to my feet and clutched my staff. |
12 |
| "--my period of mourning ends in twenty-four hours, and if the other factors are rectified by then I may grant you a performance. In the meantime you may direct me to my suite. See that I am not disturbed, for I wish to contemplate the phenomenon of human fallibility." |
13 |
| Flunkies, priests, apprentices, and acolytes escorted the Master of all Masters from the room. At least four people fainted. |
14 |
| "Old Savant of Serendip, you would have been proud of me!" I sang as I removed eyebrows, beard, wig, and age wrinkles. I made sure that the vial of the Elixir of Life was in my pocket, and then I slipped out the window of my suite and caught hold of the heavy vines that covered the walls of the palace. Some of the vines were wild rose, and I had to watch out for thorns. About twenty feet up and ten to the left I saw a pair of curtains flutter from an open window and wave in the moonlight. A good sign. I had scouted the place, of course, and that was the imperial apartment of the Duke of Ch'in. |
15 |
| Then the wind shifted, and an unmistakable scent drifted from another window. In an instant I had forgotten all about the duke, and I swung across the vines as fast as I could go. "Lotus Cloud!" I sang in my heart. "Your beloved Boopsie approaches with pearls and jade!" |
16 |
| Ten million maledictions! I had been concentrating on killing the duke, not rejoining Lotus Cloud, and I had left my pearls and jade behind! I rummaged through my pockets and fished out a few priceless diamonds - quite useless; diamonds did not interest Lotus Cloud - and finally I came up with a single pearl. It would have to do, and fortunately it was a beauty and very rare: jet black, with one small white star-shaped flaw. I cautiously peered over the windowsill. |
17 |
| Praise Buddha, she was alone! My heart turned somersaults as I saw Lotus Cloud sitting at a table doing needlework. I reached down and rolled the beautiful black pearl across the floor toward her feet. |
18 |
| "In a moment she will see it," I thought happily. "She will turn to the window, and she will nearly blind me with that grin of hers, and she will cry 'Boopsie!', and all my cares will vanish when I am in my beloved's arms!" |
19 |
| Just as I started to climb through the window I heard footsteps approaching the door - staggering, it would appear, under a heavy load and a happy voice bellowed: |
20 |
| "Fear not, my turtle dove! Your beloved playmate approaches with yet another hundred pounds of pearls and jade!" |
21 |
| It would appear that the provincial governor was a connoisseur of more interesting things than lutes. The door crashed open and the governor lurched inside and dropped his armload of treasure right on top of my black pearl. |
22 |
| "Pooh-Pooh!" Lotus Cloud squealed happily. |
23 |
| Pooh-Pooh? This was outrageous. Pooh-Pooh? There was no justice in this world. There was nothing to do but climb across the vines and assassinate the Duke of Ch'in, and I consoled myself with the thought that after I fed the duke the Elixir of Life I would get a gallon or two for Pooh-Pooh. |
24 |
| Fate must have intended me to concentrate upon the duke, because when I peered through his window I saw the miserable bastard writing letters at his desk, all alone. The moonlight gleamed upon the great golden mask, and his long cloak-of feathers shimmered softly in the glow of the candles. So far so good, but now I had to figure out how to poison him. If I climbed through the window he would be halfway down the hall before I reached the door, and the corridors were sure to be guarded. A throw? I could dip my dagger into the Elixir of Life and risk a throw, but clinging to the vines as I was gave me little leverage, and I would probably miss. The best way would be to persuade him to poison himself, and since he lived only for money that should not be too difficult. |
25 |
| I selected the largest of my diamonds and found a tangle of vines just above the windowsill where the thorns were sharp as needles. I placed the diamond in the center - puncturing my fingers quite painfully in the process - and turned the gem this way and that until the moonlight struck it perfectly, and it exploded with blue-white brilliance. Then I doused the diamond and the thorns with the Elixir of Life. At a conservative estimate that was enough poison to assassinate all China, and have enough left over for Korea and Japan. Then I swung to one side and concealed myself behind heavy vines and began scratching the stone wall with my fingernails. A very annoying sound. Nearly a minute passed. Then I heard the scrape of a chair, and the heavy footsteps of the Duke of Ch'in as he approached the window. |
26 |
| I held my breath as the glittering tiger mask leaned out the window. His hand reached out and hovered above the diamond. "Grab it, you misbegotten monstrosity!" I prayed. |
27 |
| He grabbed it. I clearly saw at least seven thorns puncture his greedy fingers, and I waited for him to turn blue. He did nothing of the sort. The Duke of Ch'in caressed the diamond as though nothing had happened! "Cold," he whispered, and in his metallic voice there was an unmistakable note of pleasure. "Cold...cold...cold..." |
28 |
| I was so astounded that I forgot to hold on, and I fell like a rock toward the courtyard. I managed to grab some vines and stop my fall at the last possible moment, but then I was dangling about ten feet above a bunch of soldiers who were leaning against the wall swapping war lies. Thank Buddha for a cloud! A big black cloud drifted across the bright face of the moon, and in an instant I was swinging across the vines toward another open window. I swung over the windowsill and landed as lightly as a cat. |
29 |
| The room shook with heavy snores, and it was so dark that I could barely make out the shape of a massive figure beneath the covers of a bed. I tiptoed across the floor and cautiously cracked the door open. Damnation! Soldiers everywhere, patrolling the corridors. When I closed the door and turned back to the room I realized with a sickening sensation that the snores had stopped. |
30 |
| I froze like a statue. I could hear the creak of the bed as the massive figure slowly sat up. Then I smelled the revolting odor of rotting flesh, and I recalled that the duke was staying at the palace of an enormously wealthy woman... |
31 |
| "No, it can't be," I told myself. |
32 |
| The cloud proved me to be a liar by moving away from the moon at that moment, and I stood there in the bright moonlight while the Ancestress leveled a finger like a decayed sausage and roared: |
33 |
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THAT COFFIN?"
|
34 |