| THE first part of my plan was quite simple. It consisted of three factors: the sweet black wine called Wu-fan is invisible when traced upon black stone; white cockroaches are very visible indeed upon black stone; and Henpecked Ho's leg chain allowed him considerable freedom of movement. The second part of my plan was not simple at all, because Henpecked Ho was required to give a dramatic performance unmatched in the annals of contemporary Chinese theatre. You may judge for yourself how well he did. |
1 |
| Try to imagine that you nave been forced to stand guard in a ghastly torture chamber twenty-two stories beneath the earth. The reek of blood and intestines blends with fetid feverish odors, and slimy green water drips from the black stone walls. Suddenly you hear a ghastly scream! The Key Rabbit topples over in a dead faint, and you dash into the Death Cell where a horrible scene meets your bulging eyes. |
2 |
| An aged gentleman of scholarly mien lurches in lunatic circles. Loathsome black splotches cover his face and hands, and he claws insanely at his throat. Suddenly saliva spurts from his ashen lips, his blotched black tongue protrudes most unpleasantly, his eyes roll toward the top of his head until only the whites are visible, he reels to the end of his leg chain, does a complete somersault, and lands flat on his back. His hands spastically pound the floor. He bounces up and down about twenty times, turns perfectly rigid, and comes to rest as stiff as a board. |
3 |
| There is another occupant of the Death Cell; an exceptionally winsome and dimpled lad who oozes honest candor from every pore, and who is loaded with so many chains that he cannot move. His terrified eyes are fixed upon a horrifying phenomenon. |
4 |
| "The cockroaches!" he screams. "For the love of Buddha, look at the cockroaches!" |
5 |
| You cannot possibly realize that the aged gentleman's spastically pounding hands have uncovered a trail of sweet black wine that has been traced across the black stone floor toward a black stone wall. Very well: what will your reaction be when fifty thousand white cockroaches make a mad lash across the floor, climb the wall, and frantically move across it following invisible lines which spell out the following message from the Board of Health? |
6 |
| "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! |
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| IT IS THE PLAGUE OF |
8 |
| THE TEN THOUSAND |
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| PESTILENTIAL PUTRESCENCES!" |
10 |
| You say that you will stand there and make learned comments concerning the calligraphy of insects? |
11 |
| Bah. |
12 |
| Once more everything depended upon Henpecked Ho, and his timing was perfect. As the torturer turned to flee Henpecked Ho suddenly jerked his leg chain taut. The torturer tripped over it and fell, and was promptly pounded to jelly by the fleeing feet of the soldiers. "Run for your lives!" they screamed. "It is the plague of the ten thousand pestilential putrescences!" They crashed into the torture chamber and scooped up the Key Rabbit, who had just regained his consciousness and his feet, and carried him up the stairs like a minnow riding the crest of a tidal wave. The pounding feet and wailing voices grew fainter and fainter, and then we were all alone in peaceful silence. |
13 |
| Henpecked Ho took the keys from the flattened form of the torturer and removed his leg chain. He appeared to be quite worried as he went to work on the mass of chains that covered me. |
14 |
| "Do you think that I overdid the saliva, Li Kao? I was afraid that the final spurt and dribble might appear to be in poor taste," he said. |
15 |
| "Perfection. When you do it again don't change a single spurt or dribble," I replied. |
16 |
| It was very pleasant to stand and stretch. Then we strolled into the torture chamber and selected some weapons. I chose a sword and a dagger, and Henpecked Ho made a beeline for the monster axe used for executions. He was very disappointed to discover that he could not even lift it, but eventually he settled for a small double-bladed model. |
17 |
| "If I miss swinging forward I may still connect on the backswing," he explained. |
18 |
| "Very wise," I agreed. |
19 |
| We strolled unhurriedly up the stairs. "Why rush?" I said. "The screaming mob will have collected the soldiers on the landings, and by the time they burst into the palace the mob will have become a small army. The soldiers in the palace who were not trampled to death will have turned the small army into a large army. The soldiers in the courtyard will have turned the army into an avalanche, and when we reach the walls I doubt that we will find a stone left standing. I dread to think what will have happened to the city when the citizens joined the soldiers, and I would not be at all surprised if we have to walk all the way to Soochow before we find another living soul." |
20 |
| There was a flaw in my reasoning. I had completely forgotten that among the inhabitants of the palace was a creature you would not have blinked an eye at if the South China Sea had suddenly turned into soy sauce. We climbed the last flight of stairs and strolled into the throne room. Soldiers closed in behind us. More soldiers appeared on both sides. Still more soldiers flanked the throne, and the monster seated upon it leveled a rotting finger. |
21 |
| "There is no such thing as the plague of the ten thousand pestilential putrescences," the Ancestress wheezed. "Soldiers, chop these dogs to pieces!" |
22 |
| I was paralyzed, but Henpecked Ho did not pause for an instant. He uttered a mighty whoop of joy and charged straight toward the Ancestress whirling his axe around his head so fast that if he had belched a little flame and smoke he would have looked just like the Bamboo Dragonfly. Of course he ran right into the spears of the soldiers, and I gave him up for dead, but in the confusion I was able to stab one soldier with my sword and cut the throat of another with my dagger. I grabbed a fallen spear, vaulted clean over the throne and the unspeakable Ancestress, and took to my heels. It was a wild chase through the deserted palace - every one else had fled the terrible plague, including the Duke of Ch'in - and I was able to account for three more soldiers by dropping heavy vases on their heads from upper landings, but I was bound to make a wrong turn sooner or later. I dashed into an anteroom and raced toward the heavy brass-bound door at the end. It was locked. I turned around. The captain of the Ancestress's bodyguard and his eight remaining soldiers stood in the doorway, and the captain was not in a friendly mood. |
23 |
| "You," he hissed, "are going to die." |
24 |
| I was forced to agree with him, and as the nine men moved toward me with leveled spears I committed my soul to Heaven. Just then an elephant lumbered through the door and squashed the captain flat. I say an elephant because that is what I thought it was for a moment, but then I saw that it was the Ancestress. She was pursued by an axe-waving scholar who had no right to be alive. Blood spurted from countless wounds every time Henpecked Ho took a step, but he kept on taking them. |
25 |
| "Chop chop!" he yelled. "Chop-chop-chop-chop-chop!" |
26 |
| The scene became rather confused. Henpecked Ho whacked everything in sight as he pursued five hundred pounds of screeching Ancestress, who galloped in circles squashing everything she stepped on, and I crawled through the carnage slitting throats. It was all over in a few minutes. Bodies littered the floor, and I knelt in tears beside Henpecked Ho whose life was draining away in the red rivulets that ran down his tunic. |
27 |
| "Did I get her?" he whispered. |
28 |
| "Ho, there are pieces or that vile creature scattered all over the place," I said truthfully. |
29 |
| A peaceful smile spread across his gentle face. "I am so happy," he whispered. "Now my ancestors will be proud of me, and they will not be ashamed to greet me when I get to Hell. Perhaps I may even be allowed to see Bright Star again. Do not weep for me, dear boy. It is no tragedy to return to the Great Wheel, and I have grown so weary of this life." |
30 |
| His eyes closed and his breath grew faint. I leaned down and put my ear close to his lips to hear his last words. |
31 |
| "Immortality is only for the gods," he whispered. "I wonder how they can stand it." |
32 |
| And then he was dead. I clasped my hands together. |
33 |
| "Henpecked Ho, great is your joy!" I prayed. "Now you are free from the prison of your body, and even now you are being greeted with great honors by the Yama Kings in Hell. You have rid the world of a woman who was an abomination in the eyes of men and gods alike, and your scholarship has been honored beyond earthly limits, for you alone among the scholars of China were chosen by the great Chang Heng to piece together clay tablets that could not be pieced together. Surely you will be reunited with Bright Star, and your next incarnation will be far happier than your last." |
34 |
| I could think of nothing more to say. I stood up and saluted my friend. |
35 |
| "Forgive me for leaving you without proper ceremony," I said, "but time is growing short and I must travel halfway across China to find the key to a mystery, and the method of killing the Duke of Ch'in. When you see Bright Star will you ask her to come and see me now and then in my dreams? I know I am not a very good sword dancer, but I did my best, and I would give anything to see her dance again." |
36 |
I bowed deeply, and then I turned and walked away. But I returned as soon as I found an ox and a cart and looted the palace of everything of value. I needed to buy some secrets from a man whose secrets were not sold cheaply.
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37 |